The movie American Psycho came out in 2000. It was supposed to be released on my birthday (April 7th) and was instead released on April 14th. This is relevant because the content of the film and the fact it was supposed to come out on my birthday freaked me out to the point that I boycotted seeing the movie. My first high school bf (SkinHead) ‘jokingly’ threatened to cut me up into little pieces if I ever left him…so I left him (with an audience on school grounds). He never even attempted to hurt me, but the trailer to American Psycho brought back those creepy “I’m going to be stalked and murdered” feelings.
The point??? I watched this movie for the first time last night and it was AWESOME! I can’t believe I was so silly to refuse to watch it in the past. It was amazingly done–truly creepy and funny.
For once we have a man running this country who understands what a Feminist is and embraces its definition! A man who does not demonize feminists and shirk the responsibility of creating equality. A man who looks to the women in his life and asks “how can we make this better for you?”
Tears, chills, happiness and hope do not fully encompass what I’m feeling. :,)
I haven’t posted in over a week. I know I don’t really have “a following” that would miss me while I’m gone, but this is counter productive to building one!
So, I didn’t get to see Bucket on the 26th, but I did get to see him that Sunday when I dropped my little bro (Wiggles) back off at school. It was an interesting night. In a nutshell, we hung out, watched Gummo (fuckin weird ass movie) and we talked while I cried (he’s really very caring when I get so upset…just tries to calm me down and comfort me). Its such a clusterfuck of a situation and sometimes I get upset. Its to be expected…which sounds blase, but its just the reality of things; some days are totally fine and some days sucks.
Here, a clip of Gummo:
Bucket then took the train into SF from the South Bay where I picked him up Thursday night. We didn’t really have a plan as to how long he was going to stay, so he ended up staying until Sunday evening. It was a really emotionally draining weekend because I was happy he was here, but sometimes the weight of the situation would get the best of me and I’d break down. Thursday we went to see The Watchmen with my older brother (Mix) at the midnight showing, which was pretty awesome. Friday consisted of me having a tummy ache which translated to another movie night. Bucket is OBSESSED with terrible 80s movies. It took us a half hour to agree on what to watch. We ended up ordering Righteous Kill and Religulous which are two amazing movies that I would recommend in a heart beat! Seriously, watch them. Saturday night, after watching Bucket and my entire family get along famously for my Dad’s birthday, my demons came out. I got upset about a stupid little thing and was mad until I woke up the next day. I had to work Sunday morning which sucked, but my coworker made me feel better.
Bucket actually showed up at my job 20 minutes before I got off. I was totally thrown off kilter and didn’t know if I should still be mad or not. He didn’t actually do anything wrong, but my pride gets in the way A LOT. So, we talked about the whole thing; I cried again. He got upset that time because I was making really strange connections between what he was saying and my inner monologue…basically creating my own reality and spinning a shit ton of fiction about the whole situation. (Thanks for that skill, btw, Mom ::rolls eyes::). Luckily, by the time we reached SF to drop him at the train we were both calm and in better spirits again.
Srsly, a huge clusterfuck…and the funny thing is: this is the best route to figuring things out that we’ve taken over the last 2 + years. Weird? Yus. But what am I supposed to do?
I know you’re all wondering “Did they fuck?” which, if any of you knew me at all you’d know the answer to that is “…of course” I can’t be held responsible for my sexual actions when I’m around Bucket. My body takes over and tells my brain to ’shut it’ if there are any cerebral objections. More importantly, I came…and so did he. haha.
Yesterday I was supposed to drive to San Jose to hang out with Bucket, but his boss bumped up a deadline and he had to work. It sucked, but it was also my lil bro’s birthday and he’s home for the weekend so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
The only problem was that I was all set and ready to make some very poor decisions (a.k.a. sexing him) so when that didn’t happen my body was like “uhhh wtf? why are we not having teh sex?? FIX IT” So, at the end of the night, I went off to bed to read a few chapters of my Women’s Best Erotica ‘08. I needed to touch myself lovingly until my body had orgasmed enough that night. Mission accomplished! ;D
Oh, and Bucket offered to drive up to see me next week I know I’m up and down emotionally with this whole situation, but I don’t know what else to do. No matter how I handle it, it hurts…so, I’d rather him be in my life in some way or another than for us to never speak again. He’s really important to me and I’m really important to him…at least this is something we can agree on (our wanting each other in our lives in some way, shape or form). ::shrug::
As hard as I’m trying to not put myself down, to not self-criticize…to not chastise myself for the things that I feel…I find myself doing it anyway. I’m pathetic. I’m stupid. I’m weak, etc. How can I sit her and cry over a man I haven’t been ‘with’ in over two years? Half of me feels like the biggest idiot whose making the situation all the worse by talking to him, flirting with him, fucking (because as much as I want to refer to it as ‘making love’ its not) him. The other half says “take what you can get while you can get it, consequences be damned” and I’m not sure who to listen to.
He’s the only man that can bring me crashing to my knees in the best and worst of ways. He’s the only man I want; I try to replicate him in the men I date…used to date.
I just finished watching a show on BBC called “Love Me. Love My Doll” about men whose primary relationships are with Real Dolls. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Real Dolls…they are life like, life size dolls of women (and men!) that anyone can order for sexual purposes. These dolls are made to order, so you can create and own the ‘woman of your dreams!’ They are fully pose-able with all the appropriate orifices.
Anyway, this show was really interesting…profiling the men who purchase the majority of these dolls. They tend to be socially awkward and probably have been hurt in the past by women. I personally think that having a masturbatory aide like a Real Doll can help these men satisfy their natural human desires, however, some of the men on the show have given up on dating altogether. The statements made by these men who have foregone ‘organic’ women made me feel terribly sad for them; one man is quoted saying “Relationships with humans are only temporary. How many people can say that the friends they had when they were six are their friends still?”
The truth is that people change thus changing the relationships between them. One must grow, develop and mature in order to find her authentic self. Such is life.
This is the phrase that Jail Bait keeps hearing from alllll his little jealous lady friends.
He said that he would rather spend time with me (even if there’s no chance of us hooking up) than to go actually hook up with these other girls who keep bashing me. What I find funny is that they’re so insecure about the whole thing…I don’t have a claim on him any more than they do. They know the type of guy he is, and yet its somehow me that’s getting bagged on. He’s such a great and loyal guy though; every time one of these girls has some comment, he’s right there telling me why he’d rather hang with me and how he would much rather sleep with me than them.
Haha…not that it matters with whom he sleeps when he’s not with me because we’re not sleeping together any more. As I explained here I’m done fucking around.
I know I’m up and down emotionally with this whole situation, but I don’t know what else to do. No matter how I handle it, it hurts…so, I’d rather him be in my life in some way or another than for us to never speak again. He’s really important to me and I’m really important to him…at least this is something we can agree on (our wanting each other in our lives in some way, shape or form). ::shrug::
